Motivation class, by David Marín

– Hey guys! What’s up! How are you?
– Fine…
– I don’t hear you…
– Fine!
– Wow, I see some happy faces… What the hell is wrong with you?
(People whispering)
– I know what you need: DISCOURAGEMENT. Now, how are you?
– Fine!
– Don’t say that! Stop telling that stupid joke! How are you, seriously?
– (Everyone shuts up, one girl talks) Um… Bad?
– YES! That’s the attitude I needed! I want you to feel sad about your lives…
– But why? (says a man)
– You! Yes, you: what is your job?
– HR.
– Interesting. Are you happy with that job?
– Yeah, I have nothing against it.
– Of course, you have a stable job, no problems, good colleagues…
– Something like that.
– Well, don’t worry. I am going to teach you how to pursue a worse job.
– But I don’t want…
– Of course you don’t. You are not willing to take risks by leaving your nice job. But, guess what? I left my previous job, being conscious of the risky possible consequences it might create. And look at me! I failed and now I am a loser who tries to pay his bills by deceiving business into allowing me to teach you some classes about how to stay positive in order to be more productive at work, when I am indeed a guy who failed in his personal and professional life.
(Awkward silence)
– The only skill I am good at is failing at things, so you will take some lessons on becoming a total failure. Are you ready?
– I think someone needs to tell the boss about this… (The woman tries to leave)
– Mmm… You should reconsider that… (Pulls out a gun out of his pocket)
(Screams)
– Hey, hey! Just stay calm! That is the first key to failure. Don’t worry about things, it’s a matter of time before bad luck hits you.
– Oh, God! Please don’t shoot me! (says the woman)
– Relax… and don’t spoil the presentation! Suicide is the final phase of the process… (the man whispers to her ear)
(The woman goes back to her chair)
– Let’s start, OK? When we desire to be really miserable, we have a vague idea about how it is to feel like that. Is more miserable a beggar who sleeps near the subway or a veteran fries cook at McDonald’s? Anyone can be miserable within its certain limits. However, I will tell my plan as an example to illustrate you…
– Sorry, how much time is this going to take? (asks a man)
– Not long, I’ll show you some notes and then I will kill you one by one, so we will finish in a couple of minutes, all right?
(People looking desperate at each other)
– My plan was: step one, leave your job. That is the easiest part. Step two, have an accident so you will spend almost all of your saving on medical procedures. Step three, get addicted to drugs as fast as you can; you need to look for the suburbans filled with more blacks to get the best ones. Step four: come up with a poor way to earn enough money to have at least one meal every day. And last step… (Pulls out the same gun from before)
(Screams)
– Accept your life as such a failure that you have no reason to live for. (Pulls the trigger and blows up his head)
(Louder screams)
– What is going on?! (enters the boss)
(Everybody stares at the dead body)
– Look! He left a note!
(The boss grabs the note and reads it in loud)

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